First Date

He arrived at the restaurant already late, then met me with a sweaty handshake.
“I thought I’d order you a pint,” I said.
“I’m alright thanks, the only thing worse than a drink is regret.
You must be Kellie, that’s a tight dress.”
What the fuck, this man is a mess.
“My name isn’t Kellie, it’s Ellie.” I did protest.
“Sorry about that. Kellie was my ex.”
This guy would not stop fidgeting and shaking the table leg.
“I’ll order oysters, shall I? Heard they make girls want to give head.”
“I don’t know about that, but I’ll give you a piece of my mind.”
“Is it someone’s time of the month? Come on, doesn’t take much to be kind.”

We sat in silence ‘til our mains were put down.
Then had to suffer watching the food turn in his open mouth.
“You done yet, love?” he spat, holding his plate and licking it clean.
“I couldn’t eat anymore if I tried. I can feel my face turning green.”
“You’ve got a dirty mouth haven’t you?” (Said whilst using a knife to pick at his teeth).
“Like you can talk. Just look at yourself – desperate for scraps of meat.”
“Gotta make the most of it. I paid good money for this, bitch.”
At least he’s paying. “Waiter, could I get the cheque, quick?”
The waiter offers me a benevolent look, as out of The Ogre’s jeans protrudes:
Nothing. “Guess this one’s on you, sweetpea.”
I settle up the cheque, and as we leave, I pull him towards me.
“Where do you think you’re going? You’ve got a bill to pay.
Put your filthy mouth to use and don’t stop until I say.”

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